Mistworld by Simon Green

First published in 1992; published by Open Road Media on December 17, 2013

Mistworld is a rebel planet protected from the Empire by a psionic shield. There isn't much to protect since Mistworld is essentially a medieval village in which security guards carry pikes. Of course they do, they used to be gladiators. They fight with swords and shields because energy guns and force fields take time to recharge. Riiiight.

Meanwhile, the Empire has just wiped out the planet Tannin and a refugee ship has made its way to Mistworld but the espers who scanned the ship detected a mysterious presence. Fortunately, Investigator Topaz, the strongest esper in the universe and a legendary Siren who once wiped out 500 minds at once, is there to protect Mistworld. To show what a badass she is, Topaz says things like "blood and terror to our enemies" (forgetting to preface this with "forsooth"). Sergeant Michael Gunn was married to Topaz, but Gunn is dead now, giving Topaz a chance to feel sad while lusting for revenge, having sworn "an oath of vengeance." Riiiight.

Meanwhile, a burglar in Mistport named Cat steals a memory crystal for a fence named Cyder who wants to sell it to Jamie Royal who is retrieving it for Dr. Leon Vertue who owns Mistworld's body bank. Does everyone in this novel have a ridiculous name? Pretty much. There's a mercenary named Blackjack, Port Director Gideon Steel, Captain Starlight, Councillor Eileen Darkstrom, Count Stefan Bloodhawk, Suzanne du Wolfe, a dude named Gaunt, a giant named Stargrave, and the list goes on. Most of the creative effort in this novel went into creating silly names for the characters.

The memory crystal plays an important role toward the end of the novel, but (and I need to be vague here to avoid spoilers) I was left wondering how its intended recipient managed to get along without it, given the apparently critical need for the crystal to be in place at all times. That's one of a few head-scratchers that are glossed over in an effort to deliver a plot that is heavy on action but light on thought.

Simon Green strives for literary eloquence, but his prose is too often forced and stilted. He should see an editor for his adverb addiction. At other times he depends on clichéd phrases ("paragon of virtue") to make his point. Dialog -- "Damn you, Blackjack, you've ruined everything" -- is lifted from every bad "direct to DVD" movie you've ever seen.

The plot is generally coherent and at times entertaining despite bordering on the ridiculous. Too often, however, the story is based on familiar fantasy themes with some Star Wars buzzwords added to disguise it as science fiction. Fight scenes are mundane and characters lack development beyond the standard personalities with which stock characters come equipped.

I know this novel (first published in 1992) has a following. I can understand why fans of fantasy who don't mind excessive adverbs or the substitution of espers for magicians would enjoy it. I can understand why those who view it as a parody might think Green achieved something with Mistworld, but I like parodies that make me laugh and, other than laughing at the characters' names, I found little here to amuse. Mistworld isn't an awful book but there is not enough here that is fresh or interesting to earn a recommendation for sf fans.

NOT RECOMMENDED