Pretend I'm Dead by Jen Beagin

First published by TriQuarterly Press (Northwestern U.) in 2015; published by Scribner on May 15, 2018

The wry, low-key humor in Pretend I’m Dead keeps Mona’s isolation and sadness from overwhelming the reader. Mona is 24 and living in Lowell, working as a cleaning lady and volunteering in a needle exchange program because her guardian, Sheila, impressed upon her the need for service. Mona sees dirt everywhere and loves to clean, presumably a metaphor for her desire to clean up her life. Mona’s need for a guardian can be traced to less than ideal parenting, the disturbing nature of which the novel eventually reveals.

Mona fantasizes about a 44-year-old junky she secretly names Mr. Disgusting, because his clothes are dirty. When they actually go out together, after he gets out of rehab, they develop an instant rapport. He has a gentle charm and an agile, well-informed mind. Mona becomes attached to Disgusting because: “Like cancer, he had a way of trivializing the other aspects of her life.”

Following Disgusting’s pre-relapse advice, Mona moves to Taos. Much of the novel’s humor after that point centers on the people she meets. The insufferably smug couple who live in an adjoining townhouse (she thinks of them as Yoko and Yoko) want to be Mona’s mentors, to teach her how to become her best self. They are walking self-help books with a zen slant. When Mona finally finds customers who need a cleaner, they have their own peculiarities. One collects angels; she suspects another of having an incestuous relationship with his daughter. One customer seems to have an asshole fixation; another is a psychic who can’t stop confessing to evil thoughts and deeds. Mona doesn’t know how to react to the surprises she encounters, and for the most part, doesn’t — a good choice, since when she does react, her reaction is inappropriate.

Mona’s behavior might be explained by her unconventional and somewhat disturbing childhood, memories of which are occasionally triggered by people in her present. Her memories, however, tend to merge into fantasies and may not be all that reliable. The fact that she thought her dolls were spying on her suggests that Mona’s mental health issues are longstanding. On the other hand, a spiritualist whose home Mona cleans either has psychic powers or makes very good guesses about Mona’s past. Ambiguity is one of the novel’s charms; Jen Beagin lets you believe what you want.

Mona’s sense of humor is askew, maybe to the point of being warped. She isn’t the kind of person, or character, everyone would like, but readers who relish the offbeat in characters and acquaintances might fall a little in love with Mona. Her story is alternately sad and very funny. She might be maladjusted, but who isn’t? Mona doesn’t connect with a lot of people (and given the people she meets, that’s not surprising), but she has cultivated the ability to trust people, even people who would be judged untrustworthy by others. She might sometimes pretend to be dead (at least 412 times, judging from the pictures she's taken), but she’s still living, and the novel offers the hope, easily shared by the reader, that her life might one day be better. If you’re looking for a novel that’s a little strange, a little sad, often funny, and ultimately life-affirming, you might want to give Pretend I’m Dead a try.

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